My brain keeps me hostage.
And I have no ransom.
It doesn’t want profit,
It just wants control.
To be safe. Then some.
The cold steel cuffs my words
I can’t speak with people.
Not freely.
Small talk awkwardly.
Sometimes allowed.
When my brain pities me.
Now booting: Survival Mode
Communication: No Download
Muzzled and restrained
I strain to hear your words
The blindfold is removed?
I’m disoriented
I see things. I feel things.
I feel things better than anything.
I have no words but I have a swirling mind of concepts
I somehow grasp enough
Just enough
To get by.
No extra energy
To be real.
I’m tied.
I accept you.
Do you accept me?
Body language, any clues?
Oh, what was that you said?
Who’s to say, I only got to surface level.
When I crave a deeper level.
I’m gagged.
I’m smart
HAH. That’s rich, I’m dumb
Not rich enough to pay the ransom
I see everything
I see nothing.
Every detail
But not the picture.
Small components
That are of no use
And soon forgotten.
BECAUSE WHAT’S THE PICTURE??
Thoughts that are obsessive?
Compulsive?
I will die one tomorrow anyway.
My brain thinks it’s doing me a favor
When it acts in this way.
But it’s an unwelcomed visitor
Correcting my household,
Without consent.
I can’t get out of my own way.
You see thoughtful. I see: think too much it hurts.
You see reflective. I see: self-degrading.
Detail oriented. Move like molasses.
You see considerate. I am misunderstood for WEAKNESS.
ALL OF THE TIME.
The scariest most ruthless person to me
Is me
I remember grace for others every time
But I’m out of the equation.
EVERY TIME.
And it’s heavy a burden to bear, today.